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auxilary25 40, Female, California, USA - 32 entries

Mar 2011
12:52 PM CST

O Dear

I’ve done the unthinkable. I’ve become someone I don’t recognize and I’m scared of what I’m realizing. Perhaps all along the problem was me. Maybe my relationships failed because of me. Maybe I was cheated on because I didn’t appreciate the person I was with. Maybe my hidden commitment phobia pushed the people that love me the most to the edge. All this time I cried tears that I provoked. I expected to be loved by people that maybe I didn’t truly love, just for the sake of being loved. I kept people close so that I wouldn’t be alone, my backups. All the while I was incomplete, but better that then empty. If I think love doesn’t exist it’s not because I’ve never truly been loved but because I’ve only loved one person who is now dead. It’s horrific realizing I’m the monster. I’m the disease that has poisoned the people that loved me. I was the curse. It hurts when it ends because I wasn’t loved, because I wasn’t enough to be fought for, because I was unmasked.
Sex, never understood why women write in articles how once you are done with meaningless sex you want to get out of there, pretend it never happened, cry. Yesterday it happened. While I was kissing him, while we worked our way up to the point of no return, I kept telling myself “No! Stop.” BUT I kept going. I felt alive; it was a rush, a blank state of mind, peace, desire, etc. I didn’t stop him, I didn’t push him away even when deep down inside I knew this was wrong. He wanted to be held, and I did, but it was to help hide the tears that I was desperately trying to hold back. How can this feel so good yet so wrong? I’m single! I wish it wasn’t with him yet I’m glad it was. I wished it was someone that isn’t here. The one my heart belongs to right now. The one that was my best friend but is barely that because I pushed him away. The one that deserves better than me. I wanted to call him but I can’t because he’s in Aghan. So many years, why didn’t I realize how much he meant to be BEFORE he left??? Why didn’t we embrace the opportunity when it was here? Did I really push him away or did he realize he didn’t want me after he said too much? Was it a moment thing and now he regrets it and doesn’t want to break my heart? What do I even feel? I know I miss him, there’s not 1 day that I don’t think about him. I want him to be happy. I want my phone to beep with a message from him. I want him to hold me. I want him to tell me he loves me, that I’m the one for him. I want to be sitting in front of him watching him blush and smile at me while we are having dinner. I want to tell him everything because he’s the one person (Alive) that I can tell anything to without being judged. Is this normal? How can I possibly feel this when we haven’t even kissed? Am I making this up, in love with the idea of love? Or was I in denial all along? I was always jealous when he spoke to girls romantically but I’d get over it because I never in a million years thought we could be together. How could it be? We live far, what if he realizes he doesn’t love me after I’ve fallen madly in love with him? What if karma gets me back? This is why I push him away, because what if the one person I love doesn’t love me back? I wish he’d push down every wall I put up. Just show up at my door, tells me he loves me, take my breath and heart away. That’s my dream. If it’s not him, I’ll eventually find the one that will put an effort to break down my walls and love me. Or the one I won’t put walls with. God I wish he was here, hopefully soon. Hopefully we’ll at least stay friends, hopefully more. 7 more months, less than a year, it’ll fly and he’ll be home. He’ll come back to me, I hope.
�� I can’t undo what I’ve done. I can’t erase what happened yesterday. I’m just saying let it be. Allow life and my heart to guide me. He knows my heart is in Afghan & he thinks he has leverage because he’s in Miami, but he doesn’t. I don’t need “XX” here to think of him, to want him to love him. I will think of him no matter where he is and until I hear the words “we can only be friends” I won’t open my heart to anyone else…or I fall in love without noticing. My heart is saved for him. Always has been. I just wished I would’ve realized earlier. I had from Kindergarten till now but well, this must be the best timing for us. Maybe I think I feel something I don’t. Maybe when he gets back, one kiss will seal the deal to our future.
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codekadiya 41, Male, Australia - 57 entries

Mar 2011
6:04 PM

i dont know what im doing. i dont know what to make her happy. i dont know whats wrong with me. im sick of this life. gosh i studied so damn much but is this the job i want. im sick of everything. having a huge back pain. i dont know sometimes i cant even stand up. its paining so much i feel like running out of this life. im really fed up god. im really fed up. its so hard for me. i cant do this anymore. now my wife dont even tell what she doing. is this the life i wanted. i dont know. sometimes its so hard to live like this. sometimes i feel left out from the world. wish i can die soon. please jesus take me to ur hand. i cant bare this anymore. im dieing inside.

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swordbearer 70, Male, New York, USA - 21 entries

Mar 2011
9:54 AM CST

All Those That Wait On The Lord Will Never Be Brought To Shame

I am happier than I have ever been. I have been put through so much trials in my life but God is faithful who will never abandon His child. I have waited and waited for my wife to begin to take God seriously so our marriage and life together can begin to deepen. This has finally happened. I am so grateful to my Lord for finally getting to her heart and letting her know that fighting is not as rewarding as obedience to Him. I learned that lesson a very long time ago. I have been waiting for a wife to be a woman of God. My first wife just thought I was obsessed. Now my lovely spouse is finally becoming that very kind of a person that will be an example to my children and to others for God's glory. I love her so much. I wish I could share these blessings with my sister D but I can't. May God heal that rift as well.

Tags: blessings, happier, trials

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codekadiya 41, Male, Australia - 57 entries

Mar 2011
6:01 PM

leaving to work in some time. i created the fan page for my company and already got 25 fans. now i have to finish the website properly. then i can upload the site and make it a happening one.

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codekadiya 41, Male, Australia - 57 entries

Mar 2011
7:18 PM

came to office today. almost all the websites works are finish. now got a new website. have to work on that later. going home early. then going to Aldi.

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charlax 71, Male, Arizona, USA - 744 entries

Mar 2011
10:10 AM

ici

spent one hour listeing to blue mn group

Tags: ici

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codekadiya 41, Male, Australia - 57 entries

Mar 2011
6:26 PM

going to work in a little while. plumber came and fix the issue in the bathroom. started working with the gym kit. i hope i will continue it and get some results out of it. ayya working today which means have to come home with him. :D

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codekadiya 41, Male, Australia - 57 entries

Mar 2011
7:23 PM

went to the church. then came home. ayya went to uk yesterday night. staying home whole day. bought gel for my back pain. tomorrow have work.

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codekadiya 41, Male, Australia - 57 entries

Mar 2011
7:46 PM

today im at home. woke up at 10 am. going to do some website work. raining heavily. i think it wont stop the whole day. yesturday we won the match with colors.

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WENDYWITCH 58, Female, California, USA - 5 entries

Mar 2011
12:50 PM

YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR OWN DESTINY.

Your FEELINGS, Good or Bad, generate your THOUGHTS, your THOUGHTS, if allowed to become consistant, you will express through your WORDS, your WORDS will then create HABITS, your HABITS, turn into your BELIEF SYSTEM, your BELIEF SYSTEM determines your DAILY CHOICES, your DAILY CHOICES, create your REALITY and your REALITY manifests your DESTINY. Therefore, YOU create your own destiny by the simple feelings and/or thoughts you choose to ALLLOW to take root on a consistant basis. So, you must remember when a negative thought jumps into your head, simply do not allow it to take root. Dismiss it as quickly as possible and then replace it with several positive thoughts. "REMEMBER TO WEED YOUR GARDEN OFTEN AND PLANT MANY FLOWERS."

Tags: DESTINY, IMPROVING YOUR LIFE, LAW OF ATTRACTION, POSITIVE, THOUGHTS

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